Flopping around

A close friend and relative made a post in December stating something like New Year's Resolutions are dumb, change now. It makes a lot of sense. We often wait for an event to inspire us or give us ar eason to change. When I was in youth group it was always camp or youth retreats or mission trips. Those camp experiences were great. They were extremely moving and all your friends were being inspired as well. However, most of the time those feelings ended up like the gym in February - fleeting. The times when I felt God speaking to me the most, was when I was still before Him. It was when I was open to what He had to say to me. One time I was in church - when you have parents like I do, you were there quite a bit. I felt God telling me to just leave and get away from all the distraction and just be with him. He was telling me that I lost my first love. I had lost my love for him. I was so caught up in life and being a teenager that I failed to let him be the center of it. Another time, when I was 17 I was still before the Lord and I felt him telling me that he had big plans for me. His plan was for me to go into Ministry. I didn't know exactly what that looked like, but hey I went to a big baptist church so I had an idea. Well I am doing that now - serving Christ or "Ministry" that is. Quite a bit of actually, but I want more. I am feeling distracted. My mind is telling me that it is because I am not serving him full time. I am working a full time job during the week and working at two churches serving Him. My mind is telling me that God called me to ministry - so I should be focusing on only that.
This morning on my way to work at 4am I was thinking and talking to God a bit and I was feeling like a fish out of water. As a kid in Miami I fished all the time. My favorite part was the fight. You set the hook, then let your drag out a bit and reel him in. When you finally land him up on the bank you reach down to pull the hook out of his mouth. The fish will always start flopping around. Maybe because he has a hook in his mouth, or because he can't breathe or maybe I'm just scary to look at. The fish is out of his element. He is not where he was designed to be. He was created to be in the water, under the lily pads just swimming around. Well right now, I am that fish out of water. I am not where I am supposed to be. My mind is telling me one thing, but heart is telling me another. It's not because I am not Full time Children's Pastor, its that I not giving God my full time. I am not being open to what He has for me. I am not being humble enough to let Him speak to me. So I don't have any New Years resolutions. They don't stick, just stink and make you feel guilty. I just want to be still before God. I want to listen to what He has for me.